he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
