no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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