when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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