Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
