Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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