hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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