12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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