Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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