Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
