you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
