I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
