Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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