I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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