Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
