we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
