Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
