just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
