She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
