I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
