Don't make out with my wife yet
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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