It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
