just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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