Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're a waste of cheezeits
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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