he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
