$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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