My hand turned me down
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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