i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
