I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
