So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
