you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
