i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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