So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
