we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
