So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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