Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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