please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
