Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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