Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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