my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you will always have a special place in my vag
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
