for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
