I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
