i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
