Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
