I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
