god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
