sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
