If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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