the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Soap is not a condiment
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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