I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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