lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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