Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
