After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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