i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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