Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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