Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
