seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize