when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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