Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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