I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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