she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
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Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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