While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
