this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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