So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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