covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
